Hot-Pink and Black Chocolate Covered Diamonds

Wow, this is a blast from the past. Man oh man, this, and WWE. Brings back so many memories. How many of you acutally remember this layout?

I haven't used it in a while so there's some editing to do but I'll do that later.

Holy crackers. It's been so super long since I've been here.. WOW. I'm looking through people's old blog and the old ASTEC blog and mine and I'm realizing how many memories lie here in this little ring of online journalism. I wish I could print out each post. *sigh* Brings back memories, both good and bad. DICTION WORD guys, nostaligia. I miss it so much, yet I don't. I may have felt lonely last year but somehow I miss it incredibly. I miss the closeness of all of my friends. I really really really hate it this year.

Yeah, I definitley think I'm going to start using this. Maybe people won't read it often, and if they do.. maybe they'll realize my true thoughts. Or maybe not, maybe people don't really care.

Yeah, I definitley miss last year a LOT more. It sucks so bad not having my best friends here. All of my friends that are here that are left pretty much hate me or don't give a damn. It's really sad. They're all bonded and I don't really like them so who does that leave me with? No one. Fuckers.

*SIIIIIGHHHHH*

My life sucks.

I think I miss you guys more than you will ever know. Please come back. Come back into my life. Be the friends I need.

Which Disney Princess are you?

Okay, sooo I haven't posted too much lately. Except the picture posts. Hmmmmm. I'm trying to figure out where I am in life, who I really am. Right now, I'm not really sure. I hate being this way, being semi-depressed, not happy with life because then I'm NOT happy and I don't get to know who I am. But then again, it's moments like this that define me. You never know how strong a person really is until you see them at their weakest moment. I'm not sure what that had to with anything, but it was just kind of in my head. So I've realized I've been sorta selfish lately and really bitchy. So I'm sorry to all of you guys.

But my point is.. I've read all of these friend appreciation posts and e-mails and stuff and it just inspired me to do the same. [And Becky's post got me realize what would happen to me if I ever lost anyone of you] I know I don't do this enough, and you guys are so amazing for putting up with me all these years. I forget sometimes how amazing the bond of friendship is, no matter how far you grow apart or how many boyfriends/girlfriends come in. All of you guys, have been there for me at one point or another in my life. To talk to, to cry on, to laugh with, whatever it may be. EVERY single one of you. My best friends, friends through friends, people I know, all of you. I want you guys to know that you've made an amazing impact on my life. You mean the world to me, you guys are the best friends in the world. I couldn't ask for more. I would never ever ever be the same without you. Especially if I lost you. So no matter how much we fight, or talk, or don't talk or whatever... know that each and everyone one of you has a place in my heart, and has a friend in me. Anytime you need a friend, I'm always here for you because you guys are always here for me. Know that I appreciate you for being who you are, and that I love you for it. Remember when you feel lonely there are people in the world that DO care for you, one of them being me. Always. I will never forget you guys. I know in a couple of years, we'll all be departing and goin gour seperate ways, but I hope to always keep in touch with you. You guys have helped me shape who I am.. and without you, I don't think I would have gotten anywhere. So yeah. I LOVE YOU. But I think I'm gonna stop now cause I think if I get any more mushy, I'll fall over.

************
btw: You may have noticed I don't post here very much anymore. But I think most of you have realized I use my Xanga and Melo. So if you want to look at those more often, here are the URL's:

My Xanga
My Melo

You do happen to have a username to post comments or anything on both of those journal sites though. I'll do my best to update this one if there are people that still read it.

Okay, sooo I haven't posted too much lately. Except the picture posts. Hmmmmm. I'm trying to figure out where I am in life, who I really am. Right now, I'm not really sure. I hate being this way, being semi-depressed, not happy with life because then I'm NOT happy and I don't get to know who I am. But then again, it's moments like this that define me. You never know how strong a person really is until you see them at their weakest moment. I'm not sure what that had to with anything, but it was just kind of in my head. So I've realized I've been sorta selfish lately and really bitchy. So I'm sorry to all of you guys.

But my point is.. I've read all of these friend appreciation posts and e-mails and stuff and it just inspired me to do the same. [And Becky's post got me realize what would happen to me if I ever lost anyone of you] I know I don't do this enough, and you guys are so amazing for putting up with me all these years. I forget sometimes how amazing the bond of friendship is, no matter how far you grow apart or how many boyfriends/girlfriends come in. All of you guys, have been there for me at one point or another in my life. To talk to, to cry on, to laugh with, whatever it may be. EVERY single one of you. My best friends, friends through friends, people I know, all of you. I want you guys to know that you've made an amazing impact on my life. You mean the world to me, you guys are the best friends in the world. I couldn't ask for more. I would never ever ever be the same without you. Especially if I lost you. So no matter how much we fight, or talk, or don't talk or whatever... know that each and everyone one of you has a place in my heart, and has a friend in me. Anytime you need a friend, I'm always here for you because you guys are always here for me. Know that I appreciate you for being who you are, and that I love you for it. Remember when you feel lonely there are people in the world that DO care for you, one of them being me. Always. I will never forget you guys. I know in a couple of years, we'll all be departing and goin gour seperate ways, but I hope to always keep in touch with you. You guys have helped me shape who I am.. and without you, I don't think I would have gotten anywhere. So yeah. I LOVE YOU. But I think I'm gonna stop now cause I think if I get any more mushy, I'll fall over.

************
btw: You may have noticed I don't post here very much anymore. But I think most of you have realized I use my Xanga and Melo. So if you want to look at those more often, here are the URL's:

My Xanga
My Melo

You do happen to have a username to post comments or anything on both of those journal sites though. I'll do my best to update this one if there are people that still read it.

I'm sick of writing every song about you..
Okay. So. I'm in such a little emo mood right now. I just read through this super long conversation/argument that was on a friend's xanga. It was really sad, and it makes me realize how sometimes I take my friends for granted. And once again how tragic what happened between us really was. UGH. It's sad how people let the pettiest things affect them. To a point where you are willing to give up your friends because of little things that in the end, mean and matter nothing. At least nothing when you compare them to the beauty of true friendship. After time, the tiniest arguments grow to daily fights where you throw insults back and forth at each other because it makes you feel better. When it doesn't, it only makes you feel more miserable then you already do. And you never really realize it until it's gone. No matter who's fault it was.. it happens, and you're left sitting alone with nothing but tear-stained faces and empty hearts to look forward to. All over something stupid. Do the fights really matter? Does it really matter who's fault it was? What really matters? It can never be fixed. What's past has past.

***You can never take back the awful things you said. How much you hurt me. How awful it feels to know that even now, you don't even care. Or want to try. How you think that everything was all my fault. And I can even say that's partly true. But did you ever stop to think about how I felt? Everything I did for you. For you to be happy. I sacrificed my feelings.. my happiness. All for you to be happy. Does that make me a true friend? I'm not sure. But I always tried to act it. I always tried to act like it was fine, like it didn't bother me. I always did that with everything. Nobody ever knew. I was always the emotional girl. The bitch. The annoying emotional bitch. And when I finally couldn't take it.. when I finally had to just forget you two all together.. it backfired. People got angry and I only lost more friends. This isn't even all about me liking you. I got over that. My biggest concern is that fact that I lost you as a friend. And that we can never be friends again. I tried to tell myself so many times I didn't care. That I knew this would happen eventually. You would go away to school and I would still have everyone else. I thought we had it resolved. All those days.. at your house, and talking back and forth through e-mail. I thought we had resolved it. I thought that we could put the past behind behind us and start over. With new hopes for a better, stronger friendship. But no. It'll never happen. Because.. I don't even know. Well forget it. I'm sick of tormeting myself about this. I can't anymore. I just can't. When you want to be friends again, try someone else. Not after what you said. Not after what you did. I'm sorry. This has been ruined and it can never be fixed again. It's killing me inside but I can't hold on to something that was never there. ***

Sorry. I went through my own little rant there. Just had to get it out. You see? How awful it is to lose a friend? It's the worst feeling ever. Especially someone you felt was your real friend. Someone who you thought you could trust with anything. And for that person to turn around and stab you in the back. To place other people before you.. making you realize you were never a priority at all. You never mattered. You were just there.. for back-up. Or simply a replacement when no one else was available. Gah. And I feel like this is happening with all of my friends. I feel like I've lost the only friends who truly understand me. And the rest that are left, don't care.. or don't have time. I feel like I'm slowly being pushed out of peoples lives. Like nobody has time anymore. Maybe this is my fault? Maybe I've distanced myself too much. I have no clue. I just want my friends back guys. The loving, caring, FUN ones.. that I would die for. And most importantly.. would die for me. Not to sound selfish, I just want my life back. I guess I'm not good enough. I never could be perfect.. I tried so hard. And I can't. Did anybody ever really care?

I, like Leesh, was not going to say anything about this.. but her idea was a good one. I hope she doesn't mine me taking it. This year, I'm thankful for:

.music_ My one constant comfort and joy. lol. I don't know what kind of emotional state I would be in without music.

.friends_ Yes.. I know. I complain about them all the time. But seriously. Where would I be without friends? Where would anybody be without friends? They are what keeps me waking up every morning. I would die for almost any one of my friends. Thanks guys, for always being there. Even when you're not. [[ wow, I'm confused now ]] But seriously guys. You rock. Even if I don't always tell you. I love you.

...more specifically...

.kacy_ You, my dear, have been the most amazing person this year. Thank you SO SO SO much for always being there to hear me ramble on and on about boys or friends or whatnot. You rock and I love you.

.devin_ My bestest friend in the whole world. I love you, you keep me in reality when I'm off in la la land. You are almost exactly like me, you think the same way.. the only one that does. I love and miss you so much.

---there are so many more, so don't be offended if you're not on here, i love you all---

.melo_ Sadly. My beautiful and gracious Melo that has kept me alive. You listen to me when I'm angry, and when I'm sad, and when I'm happy. And delete my posts and make me hate you again. I love you Melo. Thank you for coming back. My meloversary is coming up in January. One year.. whoo.

.christmas_ After Thanksgiving, is Christmas.. my absolute FAVORITE holiday ever. Something about the season spirit just lifts me up and keeps me happy for about a month.

.thanksgiving_ Haha yes, that's right, I'm thankful for Thanksgiving. It's nice to have a time where you can sit back and be grateful for all the good things in your life. It's just happy. Plus.. there's lots and lots of yummy food.

Crap. There's so much more, but I'm trying to not be.. I dunno. I'm weird. I'll add more later.